A Senior Cits Joke.

[j.sabourn]

A senior, newly retired drove his brand new convertible sports car out of a dealership. Taking off down the road,
he floored it to 100 kph enjoying the wind blowing through what little grey hair he had left. Amazing he thought
as he flew down the freeway pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in hir rear view mirror, he saw a police officer behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored
to 140 kph then 160 kph. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing ? I’m too old for this, and pulled over to
await the cops arrival. Pulling up behind him , the Cop walked over to the looked at his watch and said “ Sir
My shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday . If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before
I’ll let you go. The old gentleman ,then he said, “ years ago , my wife ran off with a Police officer I thought
you were bringing her back”.
Have a good evening Sir replied the officer.
JS

[Roger Millard]

John the humour you post of the old folkes i share with lots of friends at our local church. the responding laughter warms our hearts. Many Thanks from us all. R.

[j.sabourn]

Roger I get a lot of them from one of the maintainers of the retirement village who puts them in the monthly paper under Kevs jokes. Don’t know if he lives in the village but he’s on the team for repairs and maintainance , he’s old enough to be a sitting tenant here. JS

[Johnny Kieran]

Jokes and books are great as you get older, you forget them pretty quick, well I do anyway, but get a laugh again and again. I get books now, that I don't know if I've read in the past, and I usually don't find out until the last page.
My Mrs took one of my books to put on the charity shelf in Tesco's, I looked at it and thought "I'll have that, It's one I haven't read". I read it all over again, and at the end I thought Mmmmm! That ending sounds familiar. Mrs said "so it should, you read it a few years ago".

[Graham Shaw]

I laughed at John S's convertible sports car joke.
I don't know what it is,but I remember when Audis and BMW,s were for many years fairly rare,only for the professional or well-to-do amongst us,whilst struggling young mates like me made do with Ford Escorts or Hillman Hunters etc. Now everyone seems to have one,Audi or Beemer that is,-rare they are not-their proliferation undoubtedly fuelled by second mortgages,released equity and cheap leasing deals.
Now I'm in my 70's (just !) I have a nice unpretentious SUV and am quite content motoring wise,apart from being ever more appalled at the poor standard of all the other drivers around me.
Seriously every time I look in my rear view mirror what do I see?.....an Audi or BMW tailgating me ! (yes,it rhymes)
I can be driving down a country road at the correct speed limit for miles,nothing behind me,when all of a sudden-it's right behind me-the circular blue and white badge of a Beemer,or the four prominent rings of an Audi-just to spoil my day.

A joke then: What's the difference between a hedgehog and a BMW? Answer; The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside!

Here's a joke I've just read in one of Paul Theroux's travel books.

Those of us here who know Singapore will know what a clean,law-abiding,but somehow 'stifling' clinical atmosphere there is in Singapore-even more so now,unlike the 'Sinkapoops' of yore ,Raffles Hotel,Bugis Street etc,that we used to know.

Anyway,an Englishman,a Sudanese,an Indian and a Singaporean are chatting in a hotel bar. The Englishman ,researching viewpoints on World Food Trends for an upcoming conference asks;
"What is your opinion on the nutritional value of beef?"

"What is nutritional value? replies the Sudanese.
"What is beef"? asks the devout Indian.

"What's an opinion?" replies the Singaporean.

[happy daze john in oz]

Books, love reading but when I do I put the date I began inside the book.
Thyen some years later, up to ten, I read them again and know when I read it before.

[j.sabourn]

Southern Cops…have a way with words these are actual comments made by South Carolina troopers taken from their car videos…
1. You know , stoplights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through..

2. Relax the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them for a while.

3. If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a useless document.

4. If you run , you’ll only go to jail tired.

5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet a second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you..

6. You don’t know how fast you were going ? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket Huh ?

7. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help, oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

8. Warning ! You want a warning ? OK I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.

9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog ?.

JS

[j.sabourn]

And a few more …Fair? You want me to be fair ? Listen fair is a place where you go to ride on rides , eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

Yeah we have a quota , two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

In God we trust , all others we run through NCIC ( national crime information centre)

Just how big were these two beers you had ?

No Sir , we don’t have quotos anymore , we used to , but now we’re allowed to write as many as we can.

I’m glad to hear the that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours . So you know someone who can post your bail.


And the winner is…..you didn’t think we give pretty women tickets ? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.

JS

[James Curry]

If stopped for speeding tell the wife to start ranting at you, worked for me. As I pulled over the wife was going off on one. The policeman was about to write me up. Wife tells him, give him the ticket.I warned him you are always here he paid no attention. Policeman tucked his book away and said I will let you off with a caution. I could see what was going through his mind, this poor bastard will be getting his ear chewed off all day. Maybe he had a Mrs like me.
Things not to say, a pal of mine both on motorbikes, pulled out to overtake a Lorry , two minutes later Blues and twos. To me clocked you just shy of a ton. Explained we had been behind the truck for miles. Well you are behind it again I will call it 80 in a 60 zone. Fair cop, Ticket issued £60 +3 points. My mate was being written up by a WPC 104 MPH 6 months disqualification and a £100 fine. I was going quicker than him. So what did he say.

Alright love not have time for a shave this morning WPC obviously did not share his sense of humour or as I thought stupidity.

[Graham Shaw]

Books, love reading but when I do I put the date I began inside the book.
Thyen some years later, up to ten, I read them again and know when I read it before.

I remember doing that in my copy of Nicholls Concise Guide -or was it The Kama Sutra ?,when I was 18 back in 1970.
It doesn't matter now 'cos I can't find either of them -Nicholls because I won't be going back to sea,and The Kama Sutra because,well,can't get her interested now for some reason.
Ah well,back to those good old favourite standbys ,my well-thumbed copies of Portnoy's Complaint,and the 1968 Playboy Bumper Book of Busty Bunnies (Special Seafarers Edition),which I nicked from the Stella Maris mission library in Dar-es-Salaam,I think,on a rare cadets night out,and which has a personal inscription inside- Personal Property of Father Wilfred Connolly.Do not Remove.Reference Only. (!)
However,the guilt next day made me go back to the' Mish after cargo work finished ,and light a candle before putting an African shilling or 'summat shiny into the charity box. That magazine was certainly in demand aboard that ship of long voyages.In fact it was still on board a few years later when I did another voyage.Minus many ripped out pages and covers missing.Very popular obviously,it was.